Chassé-Croisé
by iwouldgetaniguana
Summary: What would happen if Plagg and Tikki had switched places? A kwami's job is to encourage good traits in their chosen hero, after all. [Crack AU featuring swooning!Adrien and borderline-delinquent!Marinette.]
1. Give and Take

A/N: Based on an idea by Shiloa. Thanks for letting me abduct this, mon amie! I would gift it to you, but I'm still working on your Adrienette monster, so...

EDIT: Someone pointed out to me that the female form of 'Chat Noir' would be 'Chatte Noire', and they're absolutely right! So Marinette's Chatte Noire from now on. I apologize profusely for defeating the purpose of French Immersion (which is obviously to be able to watch rad French cartoons, yes?)

EDITED EDIT: Apparently "chatte" can mean "pussy"– whoops. It is now French Immersion that has failed _me_ – for some reason they didn't teach us that in school. ;) Thank you to those who pointed this out to me! My newest solution is to call Marinette 'Chat Noire' (the male form (and I guess regular form) of 'cat' but the 'black' adjective is feminine). It's not technically grammatically correct, but I hope it's a good compromise. Please do let me know if it's still problematic!

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Adrien sighs as he enters his room, closing the door and sliding down it into a morose heap.

Immediately, Tikki flies out of his pocket to hover in front of him. "What's wrong Adrien? You've been blue all the way home, but I thought this day went well! You aced that math test, and you're making more friends!"

Adrien sighs again. "I know. And that's great!" A brief smile. "I'm happy. But I just..." he looks out the window. "The new friends remind me that I'm still not friends with the one person I really want to know..."

"Hmm," Tikki tilts her head, amused. "I know Marinette's shy, but I'd say she's your friend! She seems to like you."

"What?" Adrien looks at his kwami. "No, I meant Chat Noire!"

"This again," Tikki shakes her head, but then perks up, spreading her arms out. "I'm sure you'll find out eventually! You'll know when it's meant to be!"

"Meant to be..." Adrien's gaze drifts to the window again. "That's how I feel about her, alright." He rubs his neck. "I just wish I could tell her that."

"Then why don't you?"

"I can't." Adrien's head falls back against the door with a thud. "Every time I try, I just...my head starts spinning and my knees go weak and nothing I say makes any sense."

"Hmm," Tikki hums again. "How about you write her a letter?"

"A letter?"

"Why not? You would have all the time you need to think of the right things to say. And besides, what's more romantic than a love letter?"

Adrien beams. "You're right! And Valentine's Day is coming up!" He gets to his feet and hurries to his desk, sitting down in his chair and pulling out a piece of paper. He looks up at Tikki, who's landed on the computer monitor. "What about poetry? Do you think she'd like that?"

Tikki giggles. "I'm sure she'll like whatever you write, as long as it comes from the heart!"

Adrien looks at her with such earnest gratitude that Tikki can't imagine working with anyone else from this generation. "Thanks, Tikki."

She flies in close to nuzzle his cheek, and he laughs and cups her gently with one hand.

Suddenly he jolts, another hopeful smile on his lips. "Wait, what was that about Marinette? You really think she wants to be my friend?"

MEANWHILE...

"Message saved," says a cool female voice, utterly indifferent to the chaos its' causing.

Marinette looks like she's going to barf. "What? No! Nonononono." Hands shaking, she jabs buttons on her phone, but manages only to end the call. With a wail of despair, Marinette flops face-first onto her sofa. "My life is over.'

Plagg zooms around her. "What? You managed to ask him out, I thought that was the point."

Marinette groans. "I called him 'hot stuff'."

"I fail to see the problem. Unless you would have preferred the blindfold scenario. Which actually –"

Marinette jolts upright, gesticulating wildly. "He can't hear that message! Oh, what am I gonna _do_?"

Plagg pretends to think about it. "Well, you could always steal his phone and erase the message before he can hear it."

Marinette blinks at him. "And by _steal_ you mean...quickly and secretly borrow?"

Plagg beams. "That's the spirit!"

Face set, Marinette rushes to her desk and pulls down her scroll of Adrien's timetable, scanning it. "That's right, he didn't pick up because he's in fencing class!" She points at the scroll with a ruler, "For the next twenty-two and a half minutes."

Oh, this girl is a natural. "See? Easy."

Marinette laughs. "What would I do without you?"

Plagg smirks. "Just be a total spaz, I expect."

A sharp bing rings out, and Marinette goes to check her phone. She pales. "Oh no! I forgot about that statue unveiling ceremony for me and Ladybug! It's happening right now!"

"Eh," Plagg shrugs. "Blow it off."

Marinette's shoulders slump."No, I can do that to Ladybug." Then she straightens again. "So I'll just have to be really quick grabbing that phone." She turns to him. "Plagg, claws out!"

Plagg grins as he zooms into her ring. Definitely a natural.

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A/N: This was super fun to write so if people like this, I might do some more little one-shots about Adrien-Ladybug and Marinette-Chat Noir. I feel like Adrien would strut his stuff just as much in red as he does in black, and not care that he was called 'Ladybug', and that Marinette might actually turn into a half-decent liar.

The real question is who would make the puns.

Also yeah Marinette's scene is a reworking of that scene in the episode Copy Cat. Sorry Alya. I promise I love you.


	2. The Sincerest Form of Flattery

A/N: Wow, thanks so much for all those reviews and follows! They really made my day (month...how long has it been?) Message received: other people are as into dumb kwami swap shenanigans as I am, so I'll continue this fic. :D

I'm going to make this fic into a collection of loosely related one-shots; each chapter will take place in the same universe, but there won't be any real plot or distinct time-line connecting them. That way we can all revel in crack-based hilarity and this can continue to be a stress-relieving project for me.

I'm going to leave this fic labeled "complete" because a) I will update it as ideas come to me and I feel like writing them, so I don't want to make any promises I can't keep; and b) because, without a unifying plot, the collection could always technically stand as-is no matter how many chapters I do or do not add.

For this second chapter, we have actualdelinquent?Marinette and dramaqueen!Adrien.

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Marinette stares at her computer screen, watching Chat Noire steal the Louvre's most famous piece of art on the evening news. Plagg hasn't seen her this dumbfounded since that photo shoot came out of Adrien in a three-piece tux.

"The _cat's meow_?" she says finally.

"Yeah," Plagg agrees. "You could do better than that."

Marinette stands. "We have to talk to the authorities. If a fake, well, _me_ , is running around, who knows what other trouble they'll cause."

"Not to mention," Plagg adds, "We have to clear your name. There's no way I'd let you make your debut like that. Where's the finesse? The mystery? They've totally bungled it!"

Marinette blinks at him. "I'm...not a cat burglar."

"Yet," Plagg corrects.

Marinette rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. "And why would be I be a cat burglar?

Plagg raises an eyebrow. "Besides the obvious?"

"I'm pretty sure there's more to being a cat burglar than having 'Chat' in your name."

"Sure, sure," Plagg continues, perching on top of Marinette's latest hat design. "There'd be ingenious plans, daring entrances, quick escapes, a whole world left wondering how you did it, and, of course, the most famous piece of art in history to adorn your room."

Marinette raises her eyebrows. "I wouldn't steal the Mona Lisa," she says.

Plagg moans and falls onto his side. So much talent, wasted.

"It'd be too cliché," Marinette continues.

Plagg snaps back up, eyes sparkling. "Where's the intrigue?" he agrees. "What _would_ you take?"

Marinette looks around her room with a hand on her chin. "The Venus de Milo would make an excellent hat mannequin."

Plagg practically yips with glee.

Marinette snorts and waves her arms. "I'm not _actually_ going to be a cat burglar..."

Of course not, Plagg thinks. Just keep telling yourself that. He makes a show of sighing and shaking his head. "Such a shame. You already have the costume. And I hear Adrien has a thing for leather."

Marinette jolts, eyes wide. "He does not."

"He could have. Lots of guys do."

Marinette sighs. "You're incorrigible."

But two weeks later, Marinette's made herself a leather jacket and is wearing it to school – the way Adrien's _jaw_ drops, priceless – and looking up the Louvre's art pieces on her phone between classes, so Plagg's calling it a win.

SOMETIME LATER...

"Adrien," Tikki hangs her head, exasperated. "It's not a big deal."

Adrien huffs and flops onto his couch. "It was fine when she was just a die-hard fan, but to actually think she could _replace_ me?"

Tikki sighs. "She was _Akumatized_ , she didn't know what she was thinking."

Adrien crosses his arms. "You didn't see her, that time we fought Lady Wifi. Her moves were so uncoordinated and she couldn't use the yo-yo at all! Not to mention her style was totally off."

"No one is going to think that Chloé is the real Ladybug, Adrien," Tikki tries, once again, to assure him.

In vain. "Alya's one of the smartest people I know! If she thought Chloé could be Ladybug, anyone can!" Adrien bites his lip. "What if I'm actually _like_ Chloé, and just never realized? We've been friends since we were kids! Maybe that's why Chat Noire doesn't like me. She _hates_ Chloé."

"Come on," Tikki tries for a cheerful tone, hovering in front of Adrien's face. "You really think she wouldn't see that you're totally different?"

Adrien drops his gaze. "She wouldn't be the first to think we aren't."

Tikki lands on his hands. "Those people all changed their minds when they got to know you. Now they're you're friends!" She sees Adrien try for a smile. "Chat Noire is your partner! Didn't she say so today? You're a team. Just because she doesn't flirt with you doesn't mean she doesn't like you."

Adrien's smile turns wistful. "Do you think she'll ever like me the way I like her?"

Tikki giggles. "Only time will tell. All you can do now is let her know how you really feel!"

Adrien blushes and turns his head to the side. "Easier said than done," he mumbles.

Tikki goes to nuzzle his cheek, and he laughs. They enjoy a moment of contentedness, before –

"Do you think there's a way to get Chloé to stop pretending to be me? Maybe I can ask Chat to steal her costume – Chat seems to be into that sort of thing lately."

Tikki gives up. "If it will make you feel better."

"Chloé can't even make a decent pun! Of course it'll make me feel better. Someone needs to stop her before she ruins my whole aesthetic."

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A/N: Imma have to go with a "kwami magic protects the hero's identity by obscuring their physical appearance, making even their gender uncertain" explanation to pull this one off. Also I had Chloé continue to idolize Ladybug instead of swapping it to Chat-Noire Marinette because shut up it worked with my scenario.

If you have any suggestions/prompts for future chapters, I'd love to hear them! Can't make any promises on what'll actually get written but I'll consider anything you throw at me.


	3. Kiss and Tell

A/N: I'm just? So happy and grateful for the wonderful reception this crack is getting? Seriously, thank you all for the kudos and bookmarks and wonderful comments, they give me life. :)

This chapter is based on a prompt from katdemon1895. Thanks so much! I hope I did it justice.

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"Well," Adrien says once they're back in his bedroom. Evening is creeping through the windows. "That went better than expected."

"What did?" Tikki asks. She's slightly worried – Adrien's face is unusually pale.

Adrien rubs his neck. "Explaining to Chat that I, uh, kissed her to save her from Dark Cupid's anti-love spell, and then, um," now he's flushing bright red, "apologizing for taking liberties."

Tikki coughs. "Ah. So she didn't know you were kissing her."

Adrien groans, putting his face in his hands and slumping onto his bed. "I _know_. Fortunately she, um, thinks I did the right thing, though she will, quote, 'kick my butt,' if I ever try anything like that without a sufficient life-saving reason."

"Well," Tikki says. "At least she understands. It's good that you were honest."

Adrien sighs, flopping back against the bed. "I've fantasized about kissing her for so long," he admits. "But this is not at all how I wanted it to go."

Tikki hums in agreement.

Adrien is silent for a while. Tikki is kind of surprised. She would have thought that the aftermath of Adrien kissing Chat would involve at least some –

"The _problem_ ," Adrien suddenly bursts, rolling over onto his stomach, propping himself onto his elbows and kicking his feet in the air, "Aside from, obviously, the fact that she wasn't exactly herself or consenting, which is the main problem. But the _other_ problem," he reiterates, blushing again, "Is that she _kissed me back_."

Tikki blinks. "She did?"

"Yeah!" Adrien throws his arms out and rolls over onto his back like a starfish. "Just for a second, as the curse was being lifted. So like, do I have a shot after all? Or was that just part of the spell?"

Tikki zooms around to his face, beaming. "You didn't ask her?"

"She doesn't remeeeeember iiiiiiiit," Adrien whines, kicking his feet. "But it was so!" He groans again, going much redder. "So _nice_ ," he whispers. "I am a terrible person. But she kissed me and it was – Ahh!" He clutches his face.

Yep, here it is. This is more what Tikki was expecting.

"I'm sure you'll get another chance," she reassures him, perching on the bed beside him. "Someday, when you both want to, and not because some Akuma –"

"That's it!" Adrien lurches back to his feet, beaming like the sun. "I've been going about this all wrong! Instead of trying to get her to let me kiss her, I should be getting her to _want_ to kiss _me_! I'll woo her properly! Not just flirty banter, but real romance! What kind of flowers do you think she likes?"

"I don't think that's –" Tikki starts, but when has saying that ever stopped him?

"Or what about chocolate? Maybe she likes sweets! Or – or we fight a lot of battles at night, but what about romantic walks in the moonlight, just the two of us?" He puts a hand on his chin. "Maybe I should watch superhero movies for tips on how superheroes can be romantic!"

"That's the worst idea you've ever had," TIkki tells him, but he's not listening.

"Or Titanic! That's supposed to be the most romantic movie of all time! I should watch that and take notes!"

"Please no," Tikki tries.

"Tikki," Adrien says, turning his blinding smile onto her. "This is going to work, I can feel it! Thanks for helping me out."

And why does Tikki never have it in her to bring him back down to reality when he looks like that?

AT APPROXIMATYELY THE SAME TIME...

"I guess he's learning from you," Plagg comments as Marinette finishes explaining how they beat Dark Cupid. Sunset streaks through her bedroom window. "Stealing a kiss like that to break the spell."

Marinette groans, leaning face-first into the wall. "We are not talking about this."

"Are you kidding?" Plagg cackles. "This is the juiciest thing to happen since you had a copycat! Spill!"

Marinette shakes her head vigorously. "There's nothing _to_ 'spill', I can't remember it!" But then she looks over at Plagg, something mischievous flashing across her face. "Although..."

This is ominous. "What?"

"Do you have any sensation when you're in suit form? Like, can you feel anything?"

Plagg's eyes narrow. "Why..."

Marinette shrugs, would-be casual. "I was just wondering if the kiss was any good. You wouldn't happen to have any idea, would you?"

Plagg is speechless for a moment (what an interesting new experience). " _How_ would I...? _No_. Thankfully. Wait." He leers at her. "So you _do_ have feelings for him! Why else would you want to know?"

Marinette scoffs, waving a hand. "I'm just _curious_. Ladybug talks big, but can he actually back it up?"

"So you'd like him if he was a good kisser...?" But then Plagg gets it, and his eyes gleam. "No, you want _blackmail_ material on him!" he trills.

She smirks, making a pinching gesture with her forefinger and thumb. "Maaaaaaybe just a _little_."

"You could always just kiss him again to find out."

"Please." Marinette rolls her eyes, but Plagg can tell from her blush that she's considering it.

And Plagg's not gonna let her get away with that. "I wonder if you kissed him back?"

She freezes. "What."

Plagg's grin splits his face in half. "When he broke the spe-ell," he sing-songs. When Marinette blushes harder, he bursts into laughter. "Oh, you _did_! Are you just pretending not to remember?"

Marinette lifts a finger in the air, like she's trying to seem knowledgeable for an invisible audience. "I," she enunciates, "was under a spell. My memory of it is foggy at best and anything I did or did not do cannot be taken as an indication of my true feelings."

"Sooooo, that means – logically – that you don't hate him," Plagg points out.

Marinette bristles, still blushing. "Well, of course I don't! He's my partner!"

"Uh huh," Plagg smirks.

Marinette crosses her arms over her chest and goes to sit at her computer. "We are back to not talking about this."

"Aww, don't be shy! Or are you worried about A-dri-eeeeen?" Plagg follows her and floats in front of her computer screen.

"Worried?" Marinette's face immediately shifts to oncoming panic. "Why should I be worried about Adrien?"

"Worried that Ladybug's taking his place in your heaaaart?" Plagg croons.

Marinette glares. "Never. Now let me do my homework or I really will make you that kitten-sized Cinderella dress I saw on tumblr that one time."

And that, as usual, is the end of that.

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A/N: It has been pointed out to me that this story needs more puns. Quite right! The only problem? I...am terrible at puns. I just don't have that many in me. So please, suggest some! I know it's hard to do puns out of context, and it'll be hard for me to put them _in_ context, but hey, we can try.


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